[00:00:05.040] - Speaker 1
Hello and welcome to Pickleball Therapy, the podcast dedicated to your pickleball improvement. Hope you're having a great week. My name is Tony Roig. I'm your host of the weekly podcast. It's a pleasure to be able to spend a few minutes with you each week talking about pickleball, and more specifically, a part of pickleball that is near and dear to my heart, which is the mental part of pickleball, which is in the athletic pillar, if you're familiar with the three pillars of pickleball. And if you're not, I have some good news for you because CJ and I and the rest of the team have been hard at work putting together, not just have been, are hard at work putting together our upcoming September online clinic. If you've been with us for a while, you know that we offer a couple of big trainings every year, and this is our September clinic for this year. If you're new to us and have not been to one of these before, you're going to be surprised and amazed and just awed by the content. I think you're really like it. We're trying a little bit different format this time in terms of how it's delivered so that you have more access to the materials for a longer amount of time.

[00:01:09.440] - Speaker 1
You can digest them a little better than in a more compressed manner. We're going to have that September 20th through the end of the month. It's also an opportunity for you to find out more about the Pickleball System, which is our flagship coaching program. It is the most comprehensive program available anywhere and the most effective. I mean, the results speak for themselves. So make sure you have it on your calendar, September 20th to the end of the month. Again, you don't have to be there every day. You have access to everything. We have some live events on the last weekend there. It's the 26th, 27th, 28th, I believe, that weekend. And you can pick a live event to come and join us and get your questions answered and things like that. So be on the look out on your email for that. This week's podcast, I want to dive into a subject that came up in a post inside our system community. So the same system that I just mentioned about being a flagship program also includes a community component to it, which is very vibrant. One of our students posted basically a call for help, a call for input, help, feedback, about something that he's experiencing as a player.

[00:02:21.400] - Speaker 1
And at the last time I checked, there was 22 or so folks who had jumped in there to share their information about that or their We're thinking about that. What I'm going to do is I'm going to read the player's post. Again, this is a public post inside of a community, so I'm going to read the player's post, and then I'm going to read you some of the comments that came back, because I think that the comments really show the commonness, the correct word, but the prevalence maybe of this issue, this potential limitation on our play and our enjoyment. Then I'll give you a couple of thoughts in terms of what I think about it. And then if there's time, we may do a rift today about agency. We'll see how long this goes because there's a lot to get through. And what we're talking about here today is we're going to be talking about the critic, right? The player at the court or players at the court who make you feel less than as a player, perhaps unintentionally, perhaps, you know. I mean, certainly, I don't think making you feel bad is intentional. So The ramifications are unintentional, but nonetheless, are the result of the critic's work while they play.

[00:03:39.860] - Speaker 1
So I'm going to start here with the post that was made, and then I'll share some of the comments and then give you my discussion. So here's the post. I'm 77. I love the game, worked very hard at it, but having some difficulty with, quote, friends, close quote, who are younger and better and now bark a bit at me when they're disappointed in my or their play. It really gets me down when relationships become secondary to gameplay and doesn't help to match either. So much for a bowl of ice cream. Talk about that in a second. It makes me wonder whether or not to just retire from the game I love. I listen to Tony's Pickleball Therapy. Thumbs up on that. I'm signed up for a system camp, too. I think I need some help and good advice from the system members on how to keep my spirits up in the face of adversity. Maybe there's an episode in the podcast I missed. I can't remember for sure whether there's an episode in the podcast covering this because we have, I think it's almost 300 episodes right now. But whether there's one or not, we're having one now, so we're going to talk about So here are some of the responses.

[00:04:48.520] - Speaker 1
Pay it forward and get back to the game, find a group of newbies, and support them. I think that's really interesting advice. And what I would suggest is when we think about our relationship with pickleball, you can think about it more broadly than just the 9: 00 to 12: 00 game on Tuesday or whatever your normal game is. There's a lot of other ways to engage with pickleball. I had a chance to go on a Major League Pickleball this last week in New York, and I got to chat with one of your fellow students, and who also is a referee. There's several of you who are referees who volunteer extensively in tournaments and things like that. That's a great way to interact with the sport. It's not not with a paddle in your hand, but you're still interacting with the sport you love. I think this idea of helping new players get involved with the sport is an amazing idea as well. There's other suggestion about finding a group that gels better with you. There's a little bit of pushback back and forth. Some players suggest finding a new group. Some players push back on that because of the reality of the situation.

[00:05:50.600] - Speaker 1
It's a fine piece of advice, meaning if there is another group that will work better for you, that's an option, but it may not be available to everybody, particularly players who who live in maybe smaller pickleball communities, who don't have multiple groups that they can jump around, or also just geographic limitations and things like that. Then there was another comment back that, Don't let others take away something that brings you joy. I think that's very powerful and there's layers to that. That's the idea that you have agency over these things to some extent. We're all human beings, but you still have agency over how do you respond to the inputs that you're receiving. And So I'm not going to go into those in-depth on this podcast. I did write basically a sister blog to this podcast that covers what I think about some of the things that you can do when you have to deal with the critic out there. That'll be at betterpickleball.com. It'll be around the time of the publication of this episode, so the date should correspond pretty closely. But it has to do with basically dealing with the no no fun type of interaction that we have sometimes.

[00:07:06.260] - Speaker 1
I'm going to read this comment a little bit. I'm going to read this comment a little more in full because I think it touches on several points. Let me read it and then I'll talk about it. It's somewhat heartening I'm sorry, let me read it again. It's somewhat heartening to read all the comments and know that this type of thing happens everywhere. Last week, a man I had never met before and had to partner with, criticized my play and tried to, quote, instruct me during the the game. Turned out, he didn't even know how to keep score. You do meet all kinds in open play. Some think they know better than you. I've also seen the middle school behavior and clicks. One of Tony's Pickleball Therapy podcast talks about pickleball teaching you about life, not just about pickleball. I've certainly found that to be true. I still struggle with how to tell folks like this to back off. I hate being rude. I'm working on saying no, thank you, as Tony suggested, when folks like this come up in the paddle rotation. Now I know what that guy is like. I also know it's him, not me, that has a problem.

[00:08:04.520] - Speaker 1
So there's a lot of layers in this. Let me peel them back a little bit. And I think these comments show the value of having this conversation inside a community and this podcast. And that's why I wanted to take this podcast opportunity to do a little bit different than normal instead of just me as the talking head, bringing you my thinking on the sport and how we deal with it. It's also to show you that there's a whole community of players out there who are like you. They experience joy, they experience sadness, they experience disappointment, they experience success. So they experience all of the same emotions that we all do. And so at the beginning of this, this thing happens everywhere. It's helpful for other players to know that you're not alone. Any of us going through something to know that another player out there has experienced something similar, even as disagreeable as the experience may be, makes us feel less isolated about that encounter or that experience again. So the rest of it was about the critic, right, on the court. And then the idea that we struggle to tell folks like this to back off.

[00:09:17.020] - Speaker 1
We don't really know how to address it. The sister blog that I mentioned to this will help with some of that. There's also a citation in there to the no thank you blog that this commenter mentions. It's very empowering to understand that you have agency over whether, not just how you interact with these folks, but whether you interact with these folks. And so give that a read and see how that works for you. And I would submit to you that the more pushback that there is to players in these situations, then it either changes their behavior, or at least you know that there's solidarity in your group about how to address this type of interaction that isn't called for. They're making you feel less than. It just isn't called for at any time. And then the last part of it, I also know it's him, not not me that has a problem. That idea is powerful, understanding that it is not, this isn't your problem, this is their problem. Now, we make it our problem because we internalize or allow it to affect us. And again, not a criticism about allowing it to affect you.

[00:10:34.300] - Speaker 1
We're all human beings. It's a process for us to understand it's their problem and then be able to then chop it off. If you're watching me on video, you're seeing I'm having difficulty saying the word, but I'm chopping my hand out. So it's basically chopping off their ability to affect us is a process. And I address that also in the sister blog. And we're going to talk about that a little bit in terms of what I want to address in this podcast, specifically to that. All right, a couple more of these, and then I'll give you some of my thoughts. And obviously, I'm giving you my thoughts as we go anyway with my reactions to these ideas. So here it says, Hi, I know how you feel. Playing with people who act disappointed in my play totally bums me out. But there are plenty of players, like me, I love that, connecting, who love playing with people like you who are serious about improvement, but are willing to put performance ahead of relationships. Beautiful sentiment, right? Pickleball at the end of the day is a game. Hopefully, we can play better. Hopefully, we can win some games here and there, or delete some rallies, or be competitive, go out there and do our best when we're playing.

[00:11:40.320] - Speaker 1
But really, there's so much more to it, right? The relationships, the exercise, the social interactions, and to allow a misshot or something like that to bring you down. I just got reminded of something that I witnessed yesterday. Very nice folks in open play. It wasn't anything that they were saying to anybody else or anything like that, but they were getting lobed a lot. It was a couple. It was a couple playing together, and they kept getting lobed. The frustration by the husband just kept ratcheting up. I could see him just... I mean, his blood pressure must have been 150 over 110 by the end of the match. And again, I'm not criticizing him. That's not my intention here. But it's to share with you because that doesn't have to be that way. It's our choice at the end of this as to how we choose to interact with that event. And that event, in this case, is nothing more than a wiffle ball going over our head, landing behind us in a tough spot, and we can't respond to it successfully from our end, meaning respond to it with a shot that'll work. And then that's all it is, nothing else.

[00:13:03.040] - Speaker 1
And then our reaction to it is what then makes it something else, takes it to another level. All right, this one here. So I get what you're saying, and while all the advice is good, it can be hard. That is true. Last week, one of those really poor advice givers called me a, quote, female dog. I think everybody knows what that word is, unfortunately. It's terrible that that was used. Because I don't want to hear his comments, especially when I'm playing, I have enough Tony and CJisms running through my head. So I wanted to say, I'm glad you do, but I wanted to say, sorry, but it was like a laughing, sorry about it. That's good. I mean, Tony and CJisms are the types of positive information that can help you with your play, right? As coaches, also as podcast host, as human beings trying to be helpful, I think that's good. I have no idea why this person would think that it's okay to use that term, no matter, frankly, what happened. I don't know. Maybe if you shot me in the leg intentionally and then kick me in the face. I don't know.

[00:14:10.580] - Speaker 1
It'd be tough for that word to come out in that aggressive, negative manner like that, right? And certainly, there's no context in a pickleball game where that word is even remotely appropriate. And to me, this is a question of some insecurity, perhaps by the comment giver or by the advice giver. Insecure and then rejected by your not wanting to hear it, which you have every right to do. I want to be clear, right? So you don't want to hear it. You have every right not to want to hear it. Insecurity flares up, maybe some rejection. And then, as the prior poster said, it's him, not you, that has the problem, right? It's the person using that language, so clearly out of control. All right, hang in there. You're not alone. The game has all sorts of people and personalities which can be frustrating at times, but we have to remember that there's a group of like-minded people for all of us out there. Don't give up. I've become very frustrated with this, too, but for the love of the game and knowing there's good people out there, I've chosen to stick with it. Again, you can see the community there, the idea that there are, in fact, other folks, even in the group that doesn't feel right right now, there are folks in that that aren't all the same as the critics or the negative folks.

[00:15:35.440] - Speaker 1
So just keep that in mind. Here's another one. I have found that at times, pickleball is like high school. The clicks are there. You just have to find your way around them. I can hang out with the, quote, pretty girls for a while, but then I have to take a break and hang around where I don't have to worry about what I look like. I just need to be, all caps, be. Keep the faith and good luck. So the idea here is, sometimes you may have to grit your teeth and deal with the situation, maybe, in order to survive in a group, or survive in an environment. But there are times that you will be with the ones that you can just be yourself, just let your hair down and be who you are. Another one here. Criticizing other players is a big thing now, and I doubt it will stop. The folks who do it think that they are justified and seem very unaware of how useless their advice often is or that it is offered at the wrong time. Yeah, I would I agree with that. I hear advice out there all the time, and I can echo some of these, basically.

[00:16:38.520] - Speaker 1
I'll see players out there who are all beginners, and there's the alpha beginner who believes that they know the answers to everything, and what they're saying is wrong, but they're very confident in what they're saying. It's a function of us as using our agency to be able to maybe filter that out some or ignore it. And again, the deal is more in the sister blog, but there are ways to address it. And the thing about your journey as well is that your journey is your journey, right? And the more powerful you become about the game. And by power, I'm talking here about knowledge, right? Where you're more confident in the game, in your knowledge of the game, you're more confident in your abilities and things like that. Everything else just fades away. And I can tell you for myself. And obviously, I understand that I'm perhaps a higher level player than some of you. I've been at it for a long time. I have a certain weight, if you will, to my presence on the court and my presence in facilities and things like that. I get less people F with me, mess with me, I guess, to be more politically correct.

[00:17:53.060] - Speaker 1
I get that. But the stronger you become and the more confident you are in your understanding and your knowledge in what you're doing. Even when you make a mistake, no matter what other people say, you don't feel as bad because you know that, A, you feel good about yourself in your relationship with Bigable. And also, you understand that when you pop the ball up, that's normal. And your partner has probably popped the ball up already anyway. So this idea that it's your fault or something like that is nonsense. I had a couple more here. So then, I have tried every approach, but the opinion givers don't seem to stop. Yeah, that is that. Listen, we can't stop them. At least not necessarily. We might, but take some time, whatever. But they're going to do what they're going to do. I like this one. Now I'm trying a bemused wisdom approach. I smile and try to shake it off. That's one of the options that we set forth in the article that I mentioned to you, the sister article about it. And then PS, suggestions to find new groups are not useful. It is easier said than done.

[00:19:01.860] - Speaker 1
Time is better spent on managing your attitude. I would agree that in many times it's going to be better for us to just look internally and work on ourselves and how we interact with these folks rather than trying to find other groups, unless those groups are reasonably available, and then it's probably okay to try and do that. All right, let me give you a couple of my thoughts, and I don't think we're going to have time for a rift today because I'm looking at the time here, and I think this has been super cool. And let me know. Let Well, let me know if you enjoyed this format. I'm not done yet, but let me know if you enjoyed this format, this approach. I think it's been an interesting one for me anyway, reading the comments, going through them, giving my thoughts on each comment as I saw appropriate, and things like that. But I want to, in addition to what I wrote in the sister article about this, where you can decide how you interact with this type of event, I want to share one other idea, and it may not be the case for you listening to this.

[00:20:09.080] - Speaker 1
And before I do it, I want to make sure I'm clear about this. I'm not suggesting that this is happening, and I'm not attempting to minimize your feelings about what's happening to you, and the possibility that it may be exactly as you believe it to be. In other words, it may very well be that what we call the critic in the articles, I'll use that term here, it may very well be that the critic is, A, criticizing, B, doing it in a way that is, not that any criticism is appropriate, but doing it in a way that's excessively inappropriate, if you will. In other words, the events may be as you believe them to be. That's very possible, and maybe even likely. But I want to that suggests a possibility to you that's worth exploring, which is when you're feeling like others are judging or criticizing or weighing your play or whatever, ask yourself whether it's possible, and that at least in some of those situations, it may be a form of a projection. And by projection, what I mean by that is that we know that we messed up, and so we then feel bad about messing up, right?

[00:21:34.280] - Speaker 1
And so we're criticizing ourselves for the mess up, and we see something, can be a turn by another player, or a look, or a shake of the head, or anything that we may see. And we project onto that or impart onto that our own criticism of ourselves, okay? And let me suggest you why I propose I chose this idea as a possibility. Number one, it is my experience as a long-time coach now, and having coached, it has to be thousands by now, players, that I have seen too many instances of players, too many instances where I know by now that most players don't have the bandwidth to see, much less understand and analyze what other players are doing or have done. Too often, and this is going to be, we talk about this in the book that's coming out at the end of the month, the end of September, sorry. But that the other players don't have the bandwidth to... They hardly have the bandwidth to know what they did. And how do I know this? I know this because when coaching, very often, and I have to be clear here, I'm not criticizing any player who This is the most natural thing in the world, and it happens all the time.

[00:23:03.960] - Speaker 1
But oftentimes, when we're coaching, we will interact with the group on the court, the four players who are playing, and we're coaching them as they play. And I will say something like, Okay, so and so, do you remember when you hit the third shot, you hit it over here, and things like that? And the look I get, and then the words I get, no one on the court knows who hit the third shot. No one on the the court, even really like... They have to think about it for a second to even figure out which side of the net hit the third shot. So in those situations where the players aren't even sure what happened, Do they have the bandwidth to criticize each other or another player? Again, maybe they are. I'm not suggesting that it's not possible. But I think there's many situations where the players are not even following happening to them, much less to anybody else on the court. And then the second reason I suggest this as a possibility is because I've seen it where players who play with me will believe that I am upset at something, that they shot they missed or something like that.

[00:24:17.640] - Speaker 1
Obviously, I'm the host of the podcast, so I've gone on this path a long time now, right? So I'm not suggesting my way of doing it. It should be automatic for everybody. But I'm at a place where I will ameliorate, that's probably too big a word, but ameliorate their feelings or make them feel better. I'll tell them, No, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I mean, yeah, you missed a shot, but I missed the last one, or I'm going to miss the next one, I'm sure, because that's how pickle is played. And so the player believes that I am judging them, that I am... And I've seen it with other players as well, other interactions, where the players believe that they are being judged when in fact they are not. Again, to be clear, I'm not suggesting that that's always the case, and there are certainly cases of judgment and criticism and things like that. But just something to be aware of, perhaps, and maybe run it through a filter before you decide that you are in fact being the subject of criticism or judgment by other players. Check yourself against a possible projection first. If you still believe that they are being critical, then the suggestions in the sister article and the sister-sister or cousin article, the about no thank you, may give you some additional tools to help yourself.

[00:25:39.880] - Speaker 1
All right, that's this week's podcast. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Let me know if you enjoyed this format. You can send us an email at therapy@betterpickleball.com if you care to. And please always consider rating and reviewing the podcast. As I mentioned, every single podcast, this helps us reach other players who, like you, would benefit from this podcast if they only knew it existed. The only way the algorithm knows to send it to them is by information like ratings and reviews to let them know that this is a podcast that is valued. And lastly, consider sharing this episode with a friend of yours who believes they've been criticized or judged recently. It may help them understand that they're not alone and that there are ways that they can perhaps minimize or mitigate the feelings that they're having and ultimately take action to protect themselves. Have a great week, and I look forward to seeing you on the next episode of Pickable Therapy. Be well.